A Heart Full of Joy Has No Room for Fear

Fisherwoman’s Paradise

I had caught a nice trout and was wading amidst an army of pink salmon, when first a blond, then a cinnamon brown bear appeared to get lunch. They fished about 500 yards upriver from where I stood, grounded and glowing with excitement, assessing the situation and realizing I was neither mobile nor fast enough to run if the bear decided I was the better fish to catch.  I remember assessing the situation;  this was too precious a moment to worry, so what the heck, enjoy and trust that intuition will signal what moves will be best, and the universe will take care of the rest.

The bear pounced a bit here and there seeking the fattest Humpy, until it finally stared directly at me, and as I slowly lowered my gaze, I knew it was time to move. It allowed me to retreat slowly, continued to fish, but did not seem impressed with what the creek, a small jewel for trout and salmon along the Parks highway in South Central Alaska, had to offer.

A Waste of Heart Space

I pulled myself out of the stream, took my trout and two humpies, and a camera full of blurry, rainy shots of my “cinnamon girl”. Time to dance back through the alders to the spot where I had to ford through the creek once more, before I reverse-rappeled myself up the muddy slope to my car.
There is truly no need for fear. It is a waste of heart space.

Life happens, and it doesn’t care how we feel about it. We choose whether we are fearful, or joyful and excited during any of our life’s moments. It doesn’t change what is happening, but it does change how whatever happens will impact us.

We can choose. Fear, or less fear. The fuller we are with joy and excitement, the less room we have for fear and worry.

I love to choose joy.

By on | Alaska, Human Nature, Joy | 0 Comments [Read More]

that’s deep – a me/ducation

see, when i say that’s deep
i mean
what u just said will leap
off the page, is the tip of a peak
so i lean, glean, pulling your fins, reining you in
by the skin on your temple’s bling
not gold just perfect eyebrows swooshing in
come sing softly, move
towards me and whisper that beat from your heat to my need
over peat
moss and leaves crossed and
train tracks and brain wrecks
blank checks on bounced decks
i brought you the key
but u had me
before on that chain
lost my train
of thought
strain that caught
salmon king
on sisal string
as humpbacks sing
and swangsters swing
to the drum of my ears’ fears
anxiety pierces the walls of trust
so i must
run up that hill
my pump is still
and my breath can chill
at 2 degrees looking down on
myriads of atomic insomniacs
wearing lilacs
on leather straps
dancing on seedy laps
taking them under wraps
folding skin into wax
bees knees bend easily breezy and sleazy
don’t know what it means to geave and leave and be a fiend to sheeet
but urban diction taught me today
that kick rocks means get lost
and that there are seven ways to say fuck you
and not all are rude
and then there is “holla”
which should come with intonation guides
for definition number six alone prides three unrelated meanings:
1. hello.
2. i want to get all up in your goodies. who says that?!
or, number 3. good bye.
this serves as a prelude to
all sorts of deluded combabulations and funfaktations
slice of life lice are rife
use your tongue like a knife on this blithe
fakadillio ~ i’m your wyfe4lyfe if u can handle the strife
life in ak is not your average game
watching hulu as i skin a moose with my ulu
and when i hear strip i see little malls losing grip
on small business economy
unless you are living subsistence there’s no true autonomy
in this wily land
we measure
wealth and treasure
by the pleasure
we get from breathing ice fog
parting blizzards like floetic wizards
eating salmon dog
call ’em chum or chinook our gargantuan kings
rocking rings of black ’round their bellies when
kiluitchaq* is cooking fireweed jellies
 in august
we swing our hoops those 5 foot loops of gillnet
still wet
a day after the run
comes in at the resting mid july sun
waves of sockeye
thrash by
roll and rock my
neoprene too fly
oversize suit; i’m not sure why
it seems like
there’s nothing more sexy
than that salmon heart
and beating for seven more minutes
in my hand
yet committed to ending the journey
not on this gurney of white plastic coolers
but spawn grounds upstream
will never be graced with this buck salmon’s semen
but i gotta go and get my flow from the arctic glow of
aurora at night as my northern starr gleams thru the seams of our
night sky
universes standing by
meteors fly
as i lie
on the snow looking up to see why
we would think to be so special
do you know?
*inupiaq: lock

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and there, all of a sudden, it is.

a vacuum, where just two seconds ago, we took for granted that he is here, she is still with us, they are.

we see them in our minds alive. with radiant smiles, their voices strong and gentle, their eyes sparkling, beckoning us to share this moment of great joy of being alive, together.
and then no more.

how can we understand this?

the brain knows the facts of life, and death is one, but our minds and hearts have strings that play a tune to every soul we love, and it is a looping symphony, because in that sphere, the realm of affection, connection, there is no end, just more melodies and harmonies that we hum together every time we think of one another, reveling in memories of yesterday and plans for the day after tomorrow.
sometimes, life will give us a fair warning.  bodies become challengers, then enemies, there is struggle, we fight and prevail, but mortality knocks and there is time for what needs to be felt, and said, and walked through and talked through. and when the soul at one point says, “it is enough”, and moves on to a new adventure, we hurt, but prepared, and that’s hard enough.

but sometimes, those bright stars that sparkle in our lives just live with enthusiasm, boldly cultivating their values as they shine luminously, live as right as rain and change everyone else’s life in the process. and suddenly, no more.

we might only connect once, or briefly, and yet remember the moment fondly until we, too, close our eyes for good. there was a light when we needed it, or an idea that opened a door. there was a hand that pulled us through, or a shoulder to lean on just enough to catch our breath.

or we create a tribe, build forts of friendship, look up to one another and appoint each other as side kicks, have each other’s back, and build air castles from blueprints of brain storms. we push each other to new limits and reach new heights, sit with each other in darkness and comfort, allow our tears and screams to be swallowed by the soul sibling’s understanding silence, and because of them, we are okay.

or we are family by origin of blood and birth, and have an understanding of and bond with each other that is special to birth family and hard to replicate outside that realm. we know one another so well, take each other for granted, get along or not, but we’re family, and as such all limbs of one tree.
regardless how we are connected, our bond is something unifying and stabilizing, it roots us, grounds us, stretches and uplifts us and without it, we wouldn’t be us.

i don’t have a recipe for the pain that comes with loss.

i just know that this pain is so deep that it is better to let it be and not fight it. when it devastates us, it’s okay to walk with it. when anger kicks in, and it will, it’s okay to ride with the pain. there will be moments of acceptance, but without warning, the darkness that takes our breath away can be back with a vengeance, and it is good to cry when we can. definitely cry whenever we can. it will take time, but it will get better. in these dark hours and days it is important to be kind to ourselves, because the pain won’t be.

however, it is not our enemy. it is, like everything in life, an opportunity. again, no need to understand it all now. just trust that it will get better, and one day, acceptance will lift the veil of sadness, and what remains is the magnitude of the blessing the loved one is for us, until we, too, move on.

but today, when all we see is the tunnel, it helps to just take it one day at a time. there is no need to think further than the day after tomorrow. there is just the need to eat a little, breathe a lot, stretch, and try to rest.

and to love. the one who left, and to love ourselves.

although our grief is personal and individually unique, we are not alone.

we will get through this.

and just like a rainbow ends the thunderstorm, and spring melts winter, our joy will return.
one day.

give it time.

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obstacle turns to opportunity.

challenge turns to cheer.

trouble to triumph.

we choose how we see things. we choose how we treat matters.

we choose who we are and are going to be.

every moment that we are aware, we make a choice of how we see things
and how we process them.

i choose defiance in the face of negativity. it brings me a lot of joy.

i choose joy whenever i can.

what do you choose?

By on | Balance | 0 Comments [Read More]